Displaced Aggression Fantasy NFL League: Week 1 Report

Better late than never.

Yeah, Rusty does fantasy football.

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Off To The Races! (Or, Here We Feckin’ Go Again)

LEAGUE REPORT — WEEK 1

Quick-Take:

  • The Duestakers drew first blood on Sunday, squeaking by Mental Garbage with a 1-point margin. Meanwhile the N.O. Vipers trounced the Turduckens, and HellFire Club beat a new franchise, the Deerskunks, by 43 and 57 point margins, respectively.
  • The recently re-monikered CA Aftershocks handed a season-opening defeat to the other newcomer to Our Beloved League, the Houston Gangsters. And, in the closest thing that we had to an upset this week, Dingobros blazed their way to a come-from-behind victory on Monday night, nullifying the Wackers‘ 31-point lead.
  • Finally, our returning League Champions, the Itasca Salukis, had a disappointing start to the 2014, with a solid loss to one of several long-time nemeses, Gonk’s Revenge.

The Nitty-Gritty:

Even before the Week 1 results came in, dark rumors were starting to swirl around Our Beloved League like a putrid fog: The EGV teams were suspected of forming a secret cabal referred to as “the Apparatus”; Rusty Pheet is said to have changed his name in an attempt to get off the TSA no-fly list; Mental Garbage reportedly became unhinged over the summer and now stays up late into the night trying to interpret what he believes are coded messages embedded in the white space on the pages of Steven King novels; The list goes on…

But, to borrow from Don Rumsfeld, there is only one “known-known” in this mist of rumors: The Salukis have completely refused to acknowledge their season-opening loss — treating it like a church-fart.

We should all be on notice that our reigning Champions switched a long-held position and supported this season’s League expansion with the argument that having more teams will lessen the influence of dumb luck and allow the superior strategic abilities of the League’s uber-elite to dominate. It shouldn’t come as a surprise that nearly ten years of plotting and scheming would eventually lead the Salukis into delusions of grandeur, but this is the kind of thinking that leads to corporate personhood and Nazism. It almost begs for the attention of our fickle Gridiron Goddess.

Indeed, time will tell whether the Salukis Week 1 loss was a mere blip on the radar screen, or a harbinger of things to come. Their Shakespearean rise seems bound to either end in enduring glory, or spiral into a paranoid blend of Custer’s last stand and the Nixon Whitehouse. Either way, the gauntlet has been thrown, and the air is thick with hubris.

This raises a fierce lust for payback among those of us who found ourselves stumbling around on the wrong side of the tracks, post-draft. It’s hard not to hanker for some kind of divine retribution when your lineup looks like something found floating in a spittoon or buried in a filthy catbox. Clearly, it’s not the winds of fortune that we’re smelling.

But we also know that the Goddess is out there watching and waiting. And there’s always next week…

Respectfully Submitted,

League Manager Tom

Ojo Del Tigre!

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