Displaced Aggression Fantasy NFL League: Week 3 Report

League Manager’s Note

Skunk Moon Rising
LEAGUE REPORT — WEEK 3

Quick-Take:
Monday night upsets accounted for two of our three closest matchups in Week 3: the CA Aftershocks and NO Vipers beat Mental Garbage and the Houston Gangsters by coming up with 25 and 16 Monday night-points, respectively. Meanwhile HellFire Club, in spite of scoring a whopping 36 points on Monday night, still fell four points short of besting Dingobros.

The Turduckens and Wackers phoned in disappointing point totals, and not for the first time this season. The Growlin’ Turds, originally projected to defeat the Duestakers handily, watched as those projections dropped to dead-even by 2pm on Sunday, and finally ended up 39 points short. Meanwhile, the presence of injured RB Doug Martin on the Wackers’ lineup raised suspicions that they had slipped into zombie mode in their loss to Gonk’s Revenge. Rest assured that the League Ethics Committee will be keeping a close eye on the Wackers in the coming weeks.

Finally, the rookie Deerskunks seem to be stuck playing the role of our League’s Job, losing their first round draft pick, Adrian Peterson, and then Wes Welker in the first two weeks of the season. And this Sunday, just as Welker returned from his suspension, the Deerskunks ended up losing both Kyle Rudolph and Danny Woodhead to injuries. Strong showings by Andrew Luck and, surprisingly, the Bears Defense, carried them into triple digits, but ultimately were not enough to take down the Salukis.
The Nitty-Gritty:
Autumn officially began Monday night at 9:29pm CST, during the fourth quarter of the Bears-Jets game. But that’s just the calendar. The observant among us have noticed the signs brewing for the last week or so; a few trees have begun to change color and clear nights are lit by a waning crescent that mirrors the odd sliver of time we currently occupy, wedged awkwardly in between the two seasons. It’s what old-timers used to call a Skunk Moon.

The Skunk Moon shines when our half of the earth first begins to cool and we all think we’ll finally be able to sleep comfortably. It’s also the time of year that our furry black & white brethren are at their most active, and chances of an encounter increase exponentially. Just when you think you’re going to be able to doze off in a cool breeze under an open window, you realize that your neighborhood has been flooded with that pervasive odor that we have all come to fear so profoundly.

Fantasy football is not immune to the effects of a Skunk Moon, which in olden times was thought to affect a team owner’s judgment and strategic decision-making, as well as the performance of teams on the virtual field. It’s easy for the winners to dismiss all of this as mere superstition, but those of us who found ourselves tits-up after Week 3 aren’t so quick to laugh off the Old Ways. No matter how you look at it, it’s hard to deny that the air is full of weird energy, and things seem ominously off-kilter.

And while a third of our teams are still able to bask in the glow of undefeated-ness, there are four other franchises who have apparently borne the brunt of this skunk-effect. Starting the season with three consecutive losses leaves you feeling like a porta-potty at Chili Fest, and these teams are in no mood to hear any elitist gloating.

For now, all they can do is cling to the hope that these early season outcomes are a fluke, and remember that the Skunk Moon will recede soon enough.

Respectfully Submitted,
League Manager Tom

Ojo Del Tigre!

From The Rumor Mill:
The Duestakers’ owner was seen, clad only in a kimono, genitals tucked between his legs, staring down the entrance to his crawlspace and whispering “It puts the lotion on its back.”

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